August 17, 2009 by allisoncope
So… this one moved out…
Jana /jan-na/ Lysette /lih-set/ Cope is our darling daughter. She loves her name because to her it is creative without being over done and comes from her daddy’s name and my name, in that order. She has a peaceful, joyful soul. She is quirky, witty, intelligent, and adorable. She is easy-going, relaxed, and looooves comfortable clothing. She finally wears jeans that fit. She is 19 and has decided to move into a dorm this year. She almost did it last year but before the moment of terminal commitment she can running back to me, almost literally, with big wide eyes and a freaked out “Noooooo!!!” on her face. She stayed at home that first year of college. I was so happy. She is a night owl like me so we were always the only ones up at bizarre hours. It was great to have someone to talk to, laugh with, or sometimes it was just comforting to know she was up.
We lived with that little one for 19 yrs. One doesn’t just let that go as if nothing has happened. Not to be taken incorrectly, we are over-the-moon happy and excited for her. Watching her grow has always been exciting for us. Each little step was celebrated. Because of that I haven’t come away from this whole experience as if time flew and I somehow missed some things. I am grateful for that. There is that element of this situation that this is life, this is normal, and all parents have to go through this. I don’t know if what I feel is different. How could I? I do know it is intense. I tried looking forward to this event about 5 years ago. I was in such a daze about it that by the time the mower had taken me to the backyard I ended up running over my camelia bush. I still go out there to apologize to every once and again. But with Jana and I, I do know that she and I never went through a typical relationship. She and Hayden have been overwhelmingly easy kids, from the beginning. They just stay happy. The wrongs they’ve commited aren’t the heart-racing, anxiety-yeilding, terrifying kind. A simple talk and a reminder or two and the issue is closed. Hayden and John have had bigger run-ins lately but John is mostly blaming himself (for part of his repsonses) and that’s a different story. And even then the problems don’t produce arguments, storming off, mumbled insults, etc.
Jana and I have always been able to laugh, talk, even want the same adventures, and in what may be somewhat unique, we are tremendously considerate of eachother, always have been. Most recently I appreciated her ability to tell me the truth in her very kind way that she needed out from underneath the weight she bears as she helps to look after me throughout the year. She has also born some concerns that the boys will not step up to fill in her role. I had to calm those fears and reassure her that we will all be fine. We all love eachother and out of respect will fix whatever may be wrong. I want her to feel completely free to leave. I want it to be an easy, guilt-free choice for her. She said that that was the conclusion she’d come to. I suppose she had to or she wouldn’t have been able to leave. She just wouldn’t. She wouldn’t have allowed herself. Jana has this weird, almost Catholic-like guilt. No one knows where she got it. We’ve gone over every possible origin and can’t seem to find it. We haven’t even gotten close. We’ve sort of left it on the curb of DNA coding and John’s side of the family. Its by that guilt or lack there of that I know she is ok. I know her heart is safe. The other weight she has is the excitement of feeling like an adult. There have been a few moments when I’ve had to tell her some item or other would be her’s to pay for. She has been paying for many of her things for a while but now there are more than ever. She hangs her head with a cute grin, “I’m an adult now.”
Jana loves self-discovery. She has always been a “look at me” baby. She is forever coming to tell me about every new thing she’s discovered about her, from a mystery bruise to a philosophical musing. Any and every little thing, she comes to tell mommy. I’ve always loved it. This process of coming to the moving out point has been a mosaic of new things found. Just wrapping her mind around being 19 has been one. Each time she sees it a different or new way she tells me. I understand most of it. I was the same thing with the volumn turned down a couple of notches. I suppose I don’t remember it looking this way because I didn’t really have anyone to tell. So this is what I would’ve looked like. 
She has been saying all along that she doesn’t really see the dorm lasting for terribly long. That even perhaps as early as the semester change she may move to an apt. Perhaps. Jana moves in baby steps. Dorm to apt is the natural progression but her baby steps also include timing. We’ll see. More on that as it develops. For now she isn’t down the hall any more or coming to stick her head in the door zapping Hayden with one of her zingers (to be rapidly followed by his). The song that keeps running through my head is Bluer Than Blue. Some of the lyrics aren’t quite right as it takes all of us being in our roles to give this house life. But “bluer than blue, sadder than sad… life without you is gonna be bluer than blue” keeps playing in my head. I’ve had some very kind, loving word from friends and family having gone through it. I understood one comment and what was trying to be said but no, she really doesn’t live here anymore. And then there was another encouraging us that Thanksgiving was just around the corner. Sheesh! I am profoundly grateful I don’t have to do that one!!
She will be home all the time, to do her laundry, her job that’s less than 5mi down the road, for food, to tutor her brother, and for no reason at all. Being with us is cool in her mind. She says were cool and has never felt differently nor has she understood those that don’t feel that way about their fmailies. Its just the mutual admiration society around here. Perhaps once all of that coming back begins and I see it happening, I will find more comfort. And knowing how much fun she is having truly helps. Broadening her social life was the main reason I wanted and encouraged her to live on campus. That has already happened.
Bed made with new Buddha blanket, the crazy blanket I crocheted for her to her specs, and the ubiquitous Ducky blanket.
Charlie Bartlet and Jana Caught at the Perfect Moment. He is going on the Ceiling. 
Her Two-Computer Computer Desk.
More on the other side of the room soon. And I will hopefully have the picture/word formatting worked out soon as well.
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