I Need Some Ice for My Bag

I'm afraid today's entry is going to sound remarkable familiar. I awoke at 8:30. I didn't feel all that good. I took levox, Tram, Prometh, and Cyclo. By noon my stomach cramps had become much stronger and had developed a predictable rhythm. I took more tram and Cyclo. I wasn't able to do much so I played Coloroid on my phone. 

Another symptom I've had all long but never really said much about is fatigued is crawly skin. My response is to scratch. the top of my head is the worst. My entir scalp feels like it is swollen, hot, and inflamed. John got the hot water bottle, filled it with ice, and put it on my head. It really helped. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a rash on my scalp. Its so bad I've awakened to find myself scratching it. John told me the other morning that he saw me doing scratching while sleeping, too.

By 2 I fell asleep. I know John did work stuff in the morning and came here to organize his truck. Hayden was very laughy this afternoon. Jana was tremendous gentle whenever she came in to check on me. She found my ice hat very interesting. She also went out to get me some more cookies. 

I've been trying to communicate with my brother via fb but he hasn't responded to any of my posts, questions or otherwise. Very weird. I posted some new pix today. On of myself in the late 80s. I'm not particularly fond of it but John likes it. I think it makes me look too cute. I got a couple of posts on it. One from Francie telling me how Hartsog I look. I'm not sure how much I really look like them. At first I saw it but now that I've taken several second looks, I don't see it. I'm enjoying the getting to know you process with all of them. So far I've got Francie, Leslie, Julie (all sisters), and Heather. Heather lived in Lansing and knew Rob and Rich from high school. The sisters tell me there's another sister in Ca and a brother. I haven't met either of them. 

I want to get a couple from our wedding up too. If Phil doesn't get the pix up of dad in Korea, then I'll do it. I'm sure there are others but I'm not sure what yet. 

Can't live with it, can't live without it

I slept nearly all ay. I was awake until about 6:30-7am. It wasn't a perfectly sound sleep but I finally woke up about 4. I wish I could sleep now in the same position I was in all day today. The best sleep I get is when I'm on my right side perpendicular across the top of the bed. But John is asleep on his side. There is just enough room fo me to squish in perpendicularlly but its not quite the same. I do that when I absolutely have to get on my right side.

I really don't know what everyone did today but if I were to take a guess it would look remarkably like yesterday minus the de-christmasing of the house. That time filled in with some guitar playing and more working on the website. 

Fb has been amazingly slow this weekend but that has to be because the weather has been perfect allowing for more outside things. I finally got to see some pix of Shawn Cherry, a girl John used to have a serious heart-thing for in hs former life. She was a very pretty girl, but she just never looked very happy in any of the pix, which reminded me of a word John said she used to use a lot, melancholy. He said he got so sick of hearing it and dealing with her that way, he was changing how he felt about her. And Tommy Joseph sent me an email after having read one of those 'note' surveys. I think this was the High Sch Question note. He said "I didn't know all of that about you." Having absolutely no idea what he meant, I re-read my answers. I thought they were rather bland, at leas on that one. I didn't see anything of any note so I asked him which survey was refering to, just to make sure I got that part right, and what it was he had found so interesting. It'll be interesting to see what piqued his interest, if he respondes at all. Oh, and I did find one of the Bandit Partiers. My sweet friend, Michelle Godard, owned up to having been there. But she also named a few names, Phil being one of them. That blew several synapse. I had to take a time out on that one. My memory was that Phil was with dad and I in Creston that weekend. But after I thought on what she said, I am now having a huge dose of dejavue; of having asked Phil about it and he giving me a political yes. I am going to have to do some better detective work now. 

I'm still falling asleep as I write this so I'll stop now while I'm still coherent. 

1st Day without *the* Dream

So the deamon exercise worked. I will know better how final this is when I sleep tonight.

Otherwise, the day was wonderful to the senses. The temperature was perfect, the sun was out, the breezes were blowing. When I wasn't able to stay on the front steps long enough I opened a window in my room. It gave such life to my environment. The cleaning my sweet husband had given it earlier didn't hurt things either. But everyone seemed so invigorated and motivated. I love to hear chidren playing and motorcycles going down the road and birds and lawnmowers and dogs barking, and so much more. Life is being lived, loved, enjoyed to the fullest, when I hear those sounds. It ins't being wasted. 

For John today he planned a full day of cleaning (the kind with cleaners kind. He has another kind of cleaning that is really more of a straightening type of thing he does.) He also dismantled our Christmas tree turned Valentine's Tree and packed it away, along with all its accouterments. He also turned his office back into an office rather then the dump off point and permanent storage facility it was becoming. Then he kicked some virtual ass, scanned in some pix, fb'd, ending his day by working on his website: wolverines.com (paintball team). Sporadically throughout the day he provided flawless service to me. His kitchen serves the most delicious chs pizza, one of the 4 things I can eat (tombstone chs pizza, brownie overload ice cream, cinnamon toast, and super cold iced water) and the best chocolate ice cream I've ever tasted. 

Hayden honed his virtual ass-kicking skills all day, with one break to clean his bathroom. He had to do that twice. He must know something I don't He's gotta be privy info or an impending an invasion. He's serious about it too. He is sweet when you interupt him but wholely and completely non-responsive when you go see him. His second beak was to solicit help from the moms and the pops. We all wrote the letter he needed written. Turned out well, I thought. 

Jana - this is going to more of a guess than an actual knowledge-based accounting of her day. Yes, I know she's at the end of the hall, albeit a longer than usu hall. She made tiny complex pictures. She rpg'd. She may have napped. She chatted with numerous friends from all about the planet. And she did that wandering around thing she does when she wants something from mommy - an emotional something from mommy. She got it. She left laughing. She also finished filling out her fafsa for next semester, getting it turned in. Yeah! So proud of her! She is resistant to that type of activity. While over-qualified to understand it and fill it out, she feels that it is "too adult" for her liking. She definitely knows a good thing when she sees it. That's what she says about living here. 

I had a full day too. I started with a not so feel good morning. It was a short morning as I awoke at 11:30. I got out of bed with John's help and him agreeing with me that I don't feel good today. I thought maybe the amazing weather would help. I sat outside on the steps of the service porch. Tommy meowed his tiny meow as he checked out my legs from angles. I stroked his soft fur and relished the soft breezes. But whatever causes my winter allergies hit me like an ice pick on the left side of my head. Back inside and back upstairs in my room and in my, I started the one-man-pharm party at noon, continuing that all day. I need a cocktail now. I fb'd for an hour or so, waiting out the pain. When I felt that little bit of lift, began my day. Today was the one day a year that I actually work. By work I mean earn money. I filed our tax returns. It was our first year with a college student and our first year with a child that was paid with checks rather than from under the table. I like this college kid thing. That worked out rather well. She has no loans at this point and I'm hoping she can keep it that way for as long a s possible. I wasn't feeling quite so ill in the stomach any more so I took the op to eat a half of a slice of chs pizza followed by a sm bowl of ice cream. Then I had some fun. I'm going through my albums to find pix for fb. I uploaded the ones for today. I chatted with folks and helped the boys write the letter. While I did all of that, John had moved his base of operation to the bed, opposed to his office. This transition isn't a seamless one. It involves a wireless key board and wireless mouse, a huge desk top monitor, a wooden board, a retired cutting boar, and the thickest green cord on earth that he could find. I don't know why we needed a speed bump in the bedroom but we do. I need more info on that.

Sebastian was up on his visits today. He can make as many as one an hour or as few as three times a day. He was somewhere in between today, leaning to the more than the fewer. He was happy and frisky, which was fun for me when he flopped on my chest purring his deep guttural purr and giving me his adorable squinty smile. He was rather kissy today, rubbing his cheeks on my several times.  

So my once a year workday further validates my daughter's thought that I am like Santa Claus.

Her enumerations looks like this:

1. My diet is alost a perfect fit with big SC. I can only eat ice cream, cookies, sm slices of chs pizza, and cinnamon toast. 

2. I love Christmas - a little off the reservation love Christmas. I give gifts until I'm broke. I orchestrate the entire event, which lasts the entire month of Dec, for the young ones (both old and young). 

3. Along with the regular presents I give extra types of SC gifts: 

A. Surprize outtings having to do with either Christmas or Winter. These can be anything from a movie everyone's been wanting to see, a trip to somewhere silly and fun like Build-a- Bear wit the opportunity to donate it later, tickets to a play or ballet, ice skating, etc

B. Chritmas mornings, there are small bags on the tree filled with special goodies. 

C. In the Advent boxes one might find a chocolate, a tigger key chain, guitar picks, the keys to a car, jewelery, gift cards to specially selected stores, etc. 

D. Main gifts carefully thoughtout and purchased early to ensure delivery. 

E. Stocking might also include something special like the title to a car, business cards for a business you've recently set up, etc.

F. Dinner is also a gift so everyone gets to chose at least one thing they want. Everyone must make at least one dish.

4. And now I'm gainfully employed one day a year. 

5. When I could I stepped up my volunteering in Dec - most always for me ending up feeding people. I just can't stand to see people go hungry. Its so senseless that anyone in this country should ever see a day without food. Wrong platform for that one, though.

6. Every Christmas has a theme. This year it was going to be candyland but Jana turned it into Scottish Schristmas sans Scottish food. I had tons of diff plaids all of the house, I sewed them together to make, drapes for the windows, garlands over the buffet mirror, over the mantle, the tree skirt, around the back of the buffet table, and on the kitchen table as placemats, in the clear glass lemonade pitcher were carefully placed swtches, twists of varying sizes of plaids were tucked into the grapevine wreath all over it, and the wrapping papers were all plaids. If I'd had my Scotch Plaid Blanket finished it would've been on the back of the sofa. 

7. I love animals. I think between my cousin Carol and I, combined were are Dr. Dolittle. Reindeer would be a cinch. Except feeding them might be a be a of achallenge as they love and need lichen. I don't think I could grow enough or find it in the wild enough to satisfy their needs and I'm not moving to the tundra. So, as I said conundrum. But I've got the serious pet mojo.

8. I love small children. I mean really love them. I understand them, what they need, what they are trying to say, express. I understand hw they learn and upload info. I probably want to cuddle them too much but they just have to get with that program.

The things I'm not looking forward would be:

1. The beard. I'm already fighting off a ratter tenacious moustache that any self-respecting 13 yo male would be proud of. 

2. The body shape concerns me some too but as long as the dr says I'm healthy, then it's gonna be 'love me, love my big beautiful body'. 

3. And then there's all the re velvet SC wear. Red is such a tricky color for me. Jana and I have a time getting the right shade of red for me when we go shopping. I can't order anything red. I have to see it first. But if we could get the right shade of red velvet and I might make the white fur, white feathers instead. Feathers sprinkled in with sm sparkles, crystals perhaps. 

I'm not sure where her ultimate theory is headed: am I the real SC?, am I turning into the real SC?, or are these all just charming SC coincidences? 

I think I've finally taken enough chemicals to rest with my eyes closed for a while. Hopefully, I can recline back far enough to sleep comfortably without inciting an internal riot. 

*I'm* Stressed??

Apparently, I am. Stressed, that is. I have recently into the world that is Facebook and was instantly transformed into a new being. A new being with one serious hardcore addiction. I haven't had this level socializing in years. It can be a bit overwhelming but then I just pull myself back a bit and go back at it. But overall it has been a godsend. I nearly cried when I found nearly all of my family were on Facebook. Over the last 7 years I've missed them tremendously. I did see them but it wasn't much and as the years went by it became even less. My days are now filled with a greater range of people than simply going to work everyday would bring. 

Naturally, talking to people like that, you'll hear of all the things they are going to do, have don, and are doing at the moment. All things I can not do. I am used to that. I deal with it every day and thought I had it all in its proper box in my head. But every night I'm living a different life, one where I and quite active as I used to be. But as I used to be involved things like playing around with my cousin Carol and seeing my daddy. Every single blessed night I see Carol, and we go all over the known universe, and I see anticpate a call from my dad only to answer the phone shortly there after and its him. I expect him to walk through the door soon and he does. We hug, we talk, we laugh. Every single cotton pickin night. 1 time ok - gonna happen from time to time. 2 times alright, if you have to. 3 times really? 4. times I knew you'd be back. 5 times. get out of my head! I want peace between my two worlds. Harmony again. 

I don't want to have things that I can no longer do thrown up in my face every single day/night. It doesn't bring me comfort to see them this often. It unnerves me. I'm as comfortable with my circumstances as anyone could be. I am not happy with a double-life. 

I first spoke to John about this in an attempt to exercise this deamon. Nothing. Hi carol, Hi Dad. Then I tried Jana. Nothing again. I wrote a bit of it to Phil on his fb wall but who knows. He hasn't written back yet. In between writing on Phil's wall and sleeping, I talked to John one more time. Being with all of these people is reminding me of my healthy get-up-and-go days. Talking to my fammily so much is reminding me of my dad. It always does. And I'm do it so much its stimulated that part of my brain. But I'm not into ruminating over that about which I can do nothing. I deal with it thoroughly, put it in its own box, and only take it out as needed. 

Now that I have it owned out right, that's the end of this...