I'm typing in the flickering, flashing glow of my neurotic DVR cable box. Neurotic because it possesses some compulsion about randomly rebooting itself at least once in any 24-hr period. This evening, it would seem, was 12:20AM. I am always grateful for when it chooses a time inwhich nothing is being recorded.

I've been reading Anne of Green Gables and now Anne of Avonlea. While I thoroughly enjoy the reading, particularly delighted with how much humor is in them, I have also found myself as interested in the writer and her life. The ever present bit of info that constantly recurred regarding her husband was vexing me. I kept finding the same line over and over that when he was referenced would say something vague about his mental health. The closest I found to a diagnosis was Melancholia. That wouldn't lead to chronic use of bromides, chloroform, and electroshock "...to ease his mental health issues." That last line left me wondering, what in the hell is Melancholia? Upon investigation of that, I found that it was the Victorians way of saying Manic-Depression, with a higher concentration of suicidal thoughts than in the Manic-Depressive population only. Knowing all of this helps me to understand Maud much better as an author and how she came to choose the worlds she created. I suppose it certainly left me quite sorry for her, knowing how hard it must've been for her to try to raise her two boys, continue her writing career, run her home as the wife of the minister, and to look after a terrible ill husband. It is no wonder at all that the combination of events in post WWI that she had a near-breakdown herself. She managed to find a positive spin on why she was no longer being published as before following the war but coupled with all the rest left her with her own depression to deal with. This brought on some physical pain for which she began taking pain pills.

While I know that even from the beginning Maud didn't experience the happiest life, she was still able to see the eminent beauty in all that was around and even create laughter with her characters. That is my kind of author.

Jana Doesn’t Live Here Anymore – 17 Aug 2009

August 17, 2009 by allisoncope

So… this one moved out…

Jana /jan-na/ Lysette /lih-set/ Cope is our darling daughter. She loves her name because to her it is creative without being over done and comes from her daddy’s name and my name, in that order. She has a peaceful, joyful soul. She is quirky, witty, intelligent, and adorable. She is easy-going, relaxed, and looooves comfortable clothing. She finally wears jeans that fit. She is 19 and has decided to move into a dorm this year. She almost did it last year but before the moment of terminal commitment she can running back to me, almost literally, with big wide eyes and a freaked out “Noooooo!!!” on her face. She stayed at home that first year of college. I was so happy. She is a night owl like me so we were always the only ones up at bizarre hours. It was great to have someone to talk to, laugh with, or sometimes it was just comforting to know she was up.

We lived with that little one for 19 yrs. One doesn’t just let that go as if nothing has happened. Not to be taken incorrectly, we are over-the-moon happy and excited for her. Watching her grow has always been exciting for us. Each little step was celebrated. Because of that I haven’t come away from this whole experience as if time flew and I somehow missed some things. I am grateful for that. There is that element of this situation that this is life, this is normal, and all parents have to go through this. I don’t know if what I feel is different. How could I? I do know it is intense. I tried looking forward to this event about 5 years ago. I was in such a daze about it that by the time the mower had taken me to the backyard I ended up running over my camelia bush. I still go out there to apologize to every once and again. But with Jana and I, I do know that she and I never went through a typical relationship. She and Hayden have been overwhelmingly easy kids, from the beginning. They just stay happy. The wrongs they’ve commited aren’t the heart-racing, anxiety-yeilding, terrifying kind. A simple talk and a reminder or two and the issue is closed. Hayden and John have had bigger run-ins lately but John is mostly blaming himself (for part of his repsonses) and that’s a different story. And even then the problems don’t produce arguments, storming off, mumbled insults, etc.

Jana and I have always been able to laugh, talk, even want the same adventures, and in what may be somewhat unique, we are tremendously considerate of eachother, always have been. Most recently I appreciated her ability to tell me the truth in her very kind way that she needed out from underneath the weight she bears as she helps to look after me throughout the year. She has also born some concerns that the boys will not step up to fill in her role. I had to calm those fears and reassure her that we will all be fine. We all love eachother and out of respect will fix whatever may be wrong. I want her to feel completely free to leave. I want it to be an easy, guilt-free choice for her. She said that that was the conclusion she’d come to. I suppose she had to or she wouldn’t have been able to leave. She just wouldn’t. She wouldn’t have allowed herself. Jana has this weird, almost Catholic-like guilt. No one knows where she got it. We’ve gone over every possible origin and can’t seem to find it. We haven’t even gotten close. We’ve sort of left it on the curb of DNA coding and John’s side of the family. Its by that guilt or lack there of that I know she is ok. I know her heart is safe. The other weight she has is the excitement of feeling like an adult. There have been a few moments when I’ve had to tell her some item or other would be her’s to pay for. She has been paying for many of her things for a while but now there are more than ever. She hangs her head with a cute grin, “I’m an adult now.”

Jana loves self-discovery. She has always been a “look at me” baby. She is forever coming to tell me about every new thing she’s discovered about her, from a mystery bruise to a philosophical musing. Any and every little thing, she comes to tell mommy. I’ve always loved it. This process of coming to the moving out point has been a mosaic of new things found. Just wrapping her mind around being 19 has been one. Each time she sees it a different or new way she tells me. I understand most of it. I was the same thing with the volumn turned down a couple of notches. I suppose I don’t remember it looking this way because I didn’t really have anyone to tell. So this is what I would’ve looked like.

She has been saying all along that she doesn’t really see the dorm lasting for terribly long. That even perhaps as early as the semester change she may move to an apt. Perhaps. Jana moves in baby steps. Dorm to apt is the natural progression but her baby steps also include timing. We’ll see. More on that as it develops. For now she isn’t down the hall any more or coming to stick her head in the door zapping Hayden with one of her zingers (to be rapidly followed by his). The song that keeps running through my head is Bluer Than Blue. Some of the lyrics aren’t quite right as it takes all of us being in our roles to give this house life. But “bluer than blue, sadder than sad… life without you is gonna be bluer than blue” keeps playing in my head. I’ve had some very kind, loving word from friends and family having gone through it. I understood one comment and what was trying to be said but no, she really doesn’t live here anymore. And then there was another encouraging us that Thanksgiving was just around the corner. Sheesh! I am profoundly grateful I don’t have to do that one!!

She will be home all the time, to do her laundry, her job that’s less than 5mi down the road, for food, to tutor her brother, and for no reason at all. Being with us is cool in her mind. She says were cool and has never felt differently nor has she understood those that don’t feel that way about their fmailies. Its just the mutual admiration society around here. Perhaps once all of that coming back begins and I see it happening, I will find more comfort. And knowing how much fun she is having truly helps. Broadening her social life was the main reason I wanted and encouraged her to live on campus. That has already happened.

Bed made with new Buddha blanket, the crazy blanket I crocheted for her to her specs, and the ubiquitous Ducky blanket.

Charlie Bartlet and Jana Caught at the Perfect Moment. He is going on the Ceiling. Her Two-Computer Computer Desk.

More on the other side of the room soon. And I will hopefully have the picture/word formatting worked out soon as well.

Happy Hour

What an amazing 24 hours we have all had. 

I was able to get both of the appts I need for less than two weeks. My gastroenterologist is sending me to an endocrinologist and a pancreatic specialist. I went to him to ask if I might SOD, Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction. He agreed that it may be. I am so excited and hopeful.

Hayden was introduced to a professtional photographer. He went on a photo shoot with him today. He really wants to mentor Hayden and show him everything he will need to know. How to capture the shot, how to set the lightening, etc. Hayden is thrilled (so am I). He is still waiting to hear from Harris Teeter for a paying job. 

Jana now has only one more week of classes before summer break begins. That just blows my mind. She has nearly everything situated for next year. I still can't get over her living in the dorms. But she was able to chose the dorm that is slightly larger and has its own bathrm, inclding a tub. She also put in an application with her former employer the, movieplex. She is asking to be a projectionist. They told her that happen to have a position open and that because she used to work there, things looked positive. She's still going to keep her job at Harris Teeter.  She wants as much money as she can get (without going mad trying to get it) because she will have to get student loans to pay for the dorm and a car. 

John is getting a roof this year. ... I really don't know how to write more about that. It is an amazingly positive thing for him. 

On the less than positive side of life...

Our baby kitty (4yo), Tessa, somehow hurt one of her toes. She tried to make it better by fashioning her best furr bandage. But the miracle powers of the furr band-aide eluded her this time. When it began to smell she went to her doctor. There they debrided the wound of infectious matter and necrotic tissue. She doesn't have a nail there. As best as the doctor could dicern, she must've caught it on something spliting it all the way into and beyond the nail bed. They gave her two-week shot of anitbiotic and several syringes of pain meds that we administer as needed. Ms. Tessa is doing fine. She isn't all that found of convalescing for entire week in my room but she hasn't been that put-off. She hasn't been that adverse to using it, jumping on and off the bed, jumping onto my dresser to get a better look at Boo Boo the guinea pig, and walking all over the room. But then she will sit with with it held up off the ground as if to say, "Miff, my paaaw. It hurts." 

I Need Some Ice for My Bag

I'm afraid today's entry is going to sound remarkable familiar. I awoke at 8:30. I didn't feel all that good. I took levox, Tram, Prometh, and Cyclo. By noon my stomach cramps had become much stronger and had developed a predictable rhythm. I took more tram and Cyclo. I wasn't able to do much so I played Coloroid on my phone. 

Another symptom I've had all long but never really said much about is fatigued is crawly skin. My response is to scratch. the top of my head is the worst. My entir scalp feels like it is swollen, hot, and inflamed. John got the hot water bottle, filled it with ice, and put it on my head. It really helped. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a rash on my scalp. Its so bad I've awakened to find myself scratching it. John told me the other morning that he saw me doing scratching while sleeping, too.

By 2 I fell asleep. I know John did work stuff in the morning and came here to organize his truck. Hayden was very laughy this afternoon. Jana was tremendous gentle whenever she came in to check on me. She found my ice hat very interesting. She also went out to get me some more cookies. 

I've been trying to communicate with my brother via fb but he hasn't responded to any of my posts, questions or otherwise. Very weird. I posted some new pix today. On of myself in the late 80s. I'm not particularly fond of it but John likes it. I think it makes me look too cute. I got a couple of posts on it. One from Francie telling me how Hartsog I look. I'm not sure how much I really look like them. At first I saw it but now that I've taken several second looks, I don't see it. I'm enjoying the getting to know you process with all of them. So far I've got Francie, Leslie, Julie (all sisters), and Heather. Heather lived in Lansing and knew Rob and Rich from high school. The sisters tell me there's another sister in Ca and a brother. I haven't met either of them. 

I want to get a couple from our wedding up too. If Phil doesn't get the pix up of dad in Korea, then I'll do it. I'm sure there are others but I'm not sure what yet. 

Can't live with it, can't live without it

I slept nearly all ay. I was awake until about 6:30-7am. It wasn't a perfectly sound sleep but I finally woke up about 4. I wish I could sleep now in the same position I was in all day today. The best sleep I get is when I'm on my right side perpendicular across the top of the bed. But John is asleep on his side. There is just enough room fo me to squish in perpendicularlly but its not quite the same. I do that when I absolutely have to get on my right side.

I really don't know what everyone did today but if I were to take a guess it would look remarkably like yesterday minus the de-christmasing of the house. That time filled in with some guitar playing and more working on the website. 

Fb has been amazingly slow this weekend but that has to be because the weather has been perfect allowing for more outside things. I finally got to see some pix of Shawn Cherry, a girl John used to have a serious heart-thing for in hs former life. She was a very pretty girl, but she just never looked very happy in any of the pix, which reminded me of a word John said she used to use a lot, melancholy. He said he got so sick of hearing it and dealing with her that way, he was changing how he felt about her. And Tommy Joseph sent me an email after having read one of those 'note' surveys. I think this was the High Sch Question note. He said "I didn't know all of that about you." Having absolutely no idea what he meant, I re-read my answers. I thought they were rather bland, at leas on that one. I didn't see anything of any note so I asked him which survey was refering to, just to make sure I got that part right, and what it was he had found so interesting. It'll be interesting to see what piqued his interest, if he respondes at all. Oh, and I did find one of the Bandit Partiers. My sweet friend, Michelle Godard, owned up to having been there. But she also named a few names, Phil being one of them. That blew several synapse. I had to take a time out on that one. My memory was that Phil was with dad and I in Creston that weekend. But after I thought on what she said, I am now having a huge dose of dejavue; of having asked Phil about it and he giving me a political yes. I am going to have to do some better detective work now. 

I'm still falling asleep as I write this so I'll stop now while I'm still coherent. 

1st Day without *the* Dream

So the deamon exercise worked. I will know better how final this is when I sleep tonight.

Otherwise, the day was wonderful to the senses. The temperature was perfect, the sun was out, the breezes were blowing. When I wasn't able to stay on the front steps long enough I opened a window in my room. It gave such life to my environment. The cleaning my sweet husband had given it earlier didn't hurt things either. But everyone seemed so invigorated and motivated. I love to hear chidren playing and motorcycles going down the road and birds and lawnmowers and dogs barking, and so much more. Life is being lived, loved, enjoyed to the fullest, when I hear those sounds. It ins't being wasted. 

For John today he planned a full day of cleaning (the kind with cleaners kind. He has another kind of cleaning that is really more of a straightening type of thing he does.) He also dismantled our Christmas tree turned Valentine's Tree and packed it away, along with all its accouterments. He also turned his office back into an office rather then the dump off point and permanent storage facility it was becoming. Then he kicked some virtual ass, scanned in some pix, fb'd, ending his day by working on his website: wolverines.com (paintball team). Sporadically throughout the day he provided flawless service to me. His kitchen serves the most delicious chs pizza, one of the 4 things I can eat (tombstone chs pizza, brownie overload ice cream, cinnamon toast, and super cold iced water) and the best chocolate ice cream I've ever tasted. 

Hayden honed his virtual ass-kicking skills all day, with one break to clean his bathroom. He had to do that twice. He must know something I don't He's gotta be privy info or an impending an invasion. He's serious about it too. He is sweet when you interupt him but wholely and completely non-responsive when you go see him. His second beak was to solicit help from the moms and the pops. We all wrote the letter he needed written. Turned out well, I thought. 

Jana - this is going to more of a guess than an actual knowledge-based accounting of her day. Yes, I know she's at the end of the hall, albeit a longer than usu hall. She made tiny complex pictures. She rpg'd. She may have napped. She chatted with numerous friends from all about the planet. And she did that wandering around thing she does when she wants something from mommy - an emotional something from mommy. She got it. She left laughing. She also finished filling out her fafsa for next semester, getting it turned in. Yeah! So proud of her! She is resistant to that type of activity. While over-qualified to understand it and fill it out, she feels that it is "too adult" for her liking. She definitely knows a good thing when she sees it. That's what she says about living here. 

I had a full day too. I started with a not so feel good morning. It was a short morning as I awoke at 11:30. I got out of bed with John's help and him agreeing with me that I don't feel good today. I thought maybe the amazing weather would help. I sat outside on the steps of the service porch. Tommy meowed his tiny meow as he checked out my legs from angles. I stroked his soft fur and relished the soft breezes. But whatever causes my winter allergies hit me like an ice pick on the left side of my head. Back inside and back upstairs in my room and in my, I started the one-man-pharm party at noon, continuing that all day. I need a cocktail now. I fb'd for an hour or so, waiting out the pain. When I felt that little bit of lift, began my day. Today was the one day a year that I actually work. By work I mean earn money. I filed our tax returns. It was our first year with a college student and our first year with a child that was paid with checks rather than from under the table. I like this college kid thing. That worked out rather well. She has no loans at this point and I'm hoping she can keep it that way for as long a s possible. I wasn't feeling quite so ill in the stomach any more so I took the op to eat a half of a slice of chs pizza followed by a sm bowl of ice cream. Then I had some fun. I'm going through my albums to find pix for fb. I uploaded the ones for today. I chatted with folks and helped the boys write the letter. While I did all of that, John had moved his base of operation to the bed, opposed to his office. This transition isn't a seamless one. It involves a wireless key board and wireless mouse, a huge desk top monitor, a wooden board, a retired cutting boar, and the thickest green cord on earth that he could find. I don't know why we needed a speed bump in the bedroom but we do. I need more info on that.

Sebastian was up on his visits today. He can make as many as one an hour or as few as three times a day. He was somewhere in between today, leaning to the more than the fewer. He was happy and frisky, which was fun for me when he flopped on my chest purring his deep guttural purr and giving me his adorable squinty smile. He was rather kissy today, rubbing his cheeks on my several times.  

So my once a year workday further validates my daughter's thought that I am like Santa Claus.

Her enumerations looks like this:

1. My diet is alost a perfect fit with big SC. I can only eat ice cream, cookies, sm slices of chs pizza, and cinnamon toast. 

2. I love Christmas - a little off the reservation love Christmas. I give gifts until I'm broke. I orchestrate the entire event, which lasts the entire month of Dec, for the young ones (both old and young). 

3. Along with the regular presents I give extra types of SC gifts: 

A. Surprize outtings having to do with either Christmas or Winter. These can be anything from a movie everyone's been wanting to see, a trip to somewhere silly and fun like Build-a- Bear wit the opportunity to donate it later, tickets to a play or ballet, ice skating, etc

B. Chritmas mornings, there are small bags on the tree filled with special goodies. 

C. In the Advent boxes one might find a chocolate, a tigger key chain, guitar picks, the keys to a car, jewelery, gift cards to specially selected stores, etc. 

D. Main gifts carefully thoughtout and purchased early to ensure delivery. 

E. Stocking might also include something special like the title to a car, business cards for a business you've recently set up, etc.

F. Dinner is also a gift so everyone gets to chose at least one thing they want. Everyone must make at least one dish.

4. And now I'm gainfully employed one day a year. 

5. When I could I stepped up my volunteering in Dec - most always for me ending up feeding people. I just can't stand to see people go hungry. Its so senseless that anyone in this country should ever see a day without food. Wrong platform for that one, though.

6. Every Christmas has a theme. This year it was going to be candyland but Jana turned it into Scottish Schristmas sans Scottish food. I had tons of diff plaids all of the house, I sewed them together to make, drapes for the windows, garlands over the buffet mirror, over the mantle, the tree skirt, around the back of the buffet table, and on the kitchen table as placemats, in the clear glass lemonade pitcher were carefully placed swtches, twists of varying sizes of plaids were tucked into the grapevine wreath all over it, and the wrapping papers were all plaids. If I'd had my Scotch Plaid Blanket finished it would've been on the back of the sofa. 

7. I love animals. I think between my cousin Carol and I, combined were are Dr. Dolittle. Reindeer would be a cinch. Except feeding them might be a be a of achallenge as they love and need lichen. I don't think I could grow enough or find it in the wild enough to satisfy their needs and I'm not moving to the tundra. So, as I said conundrum. But I've got the serious pet mojo.

8. I love small children. I mean really love them. I understand them, what they need, what they are trying to say, express. I understand hw they learn and upload info. I probably want to cuddle them too much but they just have to get with that program.

The things I'm not looking forward would be:

1. The beard. I'm already fighting off a ratter tenacious moustache that any self-respecting 13 yo male would be proud of. 

2. The body shape concerns me some too but as long as the dr says I'm healthy, then it's gonna be 'love me, love my big beautiful body'. 

3. And then there's all the re velvet SC wear. Red is such a tricky color for me. Jana and I have a time getting the right shade of red for me when we go shopping. I can't order anything red. I have to see it first. But if we could get the right shade of red velvet and I might make the white fur, white feathers instead. Feathers sprinkled in with sm sparkles, crystals perhaps. 

I'm not sure where her ultimate theory is headed: am I the real SC?, am I turning into the real SC?, or are these all just charming SC coincidences? 

I think I've finally taken enough chemicals to rest with my eyes closed for a while. Hopefully, I can recline back far enough to sleep comfortably without inciting an internal riot. 

*I'm* Stressed??

Apparently, I am. Stressed, that is. I have recently into the world that is Facebook and was instantly transformed into a new being. A new being with one serious hardcore addiction. I haven't had this level socializing in years. It can be a bit overwhelming but then I just pull myself back a bit and go back at it. But overall it has been a godsend. I nearly cried when I found nearly all of my family were on Facebook. Over the last 7 years I've missed them tremendously. I did see them but it wasn't much and as the years went by it became even less. My days are now filled with a greater range of people than simply going to work everyday would bring. 

Naturally, talking to people like that, you'll hear of all the things they are going to do, have don, and are doing at the moment. All things I can not do. I am used to that. I deal with it every day and thought I had it all in its proper box in my head. But every night I'm living a different life, one where I and quite active as I used to be. But as I used to be involved things like playing around with my cousin Carol and seeing my daddy. Every single blessed night I see Carol, and we go all over the known universe, and I see anticpate a call from my dad only to answer the phone shortly there after and its him. I expect him to walk through the door soon and he does. We hug, we talk, we laugh. Every single cotton pickin night. 1 time ok - gonna happen from time to time. 2 times alright, if you have to. 3 times really? 4. times I knew you'd be back. 5 times. get out of my head! I want peace between my two worlds. Harmony again. 

I don't want to have things that I can no longer do thrown up in my face every single day/night. It doesn't bring me comfort to see them this often. It unnerves me. I'm as comfortable with my circumstances as anyone could be. I am not happy with a double-life. 

I first spoke to John about this in an attempt to exercise this deamon. Nothing. Hi carol, Hi Dad. Then I tried Jana. Nothing again. I wrote a bit of it to Phil on his fb wall but who knows. He hasn't written back yet. In between writing on Phil's wall and sleeping, I talked to John one more time. Being with all of these people is reminding me of my healthy get-up-and-go days. Talking to my fammily so much is reminding me of my dad. It always does. And I'm do it so much its stimulated that part of my brain. But I'm not into ruminating over that about which I can do nothing. I deal with it thoroughly, put it in its own box, and only take it out as needed. 

Now that I have it owned out right, that's the end of this...